She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
so much tequila, so little girl.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
