I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize