Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
