What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
