I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
