just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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