no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
