What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
