I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Randomize