I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
