Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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