Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
