the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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