I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
