Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Randomize
