I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
