fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Best friends brother. Beat that.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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