Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize