Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
