i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
