mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Randomize
