I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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