i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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