I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
