We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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