It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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