I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
