Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
