he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
