At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
