Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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