I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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