I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
