Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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