Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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