dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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