remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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