**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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