If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
