my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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