if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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