hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
What drink are we having for lunch?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
