Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
