If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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