Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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