the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
She even gives head with a lisp.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
