Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Holy sore nipples Batman
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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