I should be sponsored by Trojan
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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