Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
