I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
