that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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