apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I just found puke in my bra..
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
