At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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