I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
