I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
