I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
