he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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