P.S. I can't hear my feet
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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