Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
he puts the penis in happiness.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Randomize
