Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
