But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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