Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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