I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
