an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
